musings (rant) on death.
A lot of days, whether or not i want them to, my thoughts drift to death. mainly my own, or those around me, how they would respond to me dying. watching myself die in gruesome scenes illustrated by one of my deepest fears, that weigh me down in a way i cannot describe. i fear being forgotten, undesired, useless, dying prematurely (and at all), and the fact that things are finite...scares me, frightens next terribly. when i look at stair cases, high ledges, guarded or not, candles, and even how my own body could kill me. those thoughts often keep me awake, along with the aforementioned thoughts of,, those around me being gone, or unreachable. i make up little stories to delude myself, dilute my thoughts from reality by creating fiction. it is fun, as long as it does not turn dark. i muse to myself about a life where i never have faced emotional strife. how i would be if something completely impossible happened. i think of a mundane life, but one i can enjoy more, for reasons i do not know. i study my own life, trying to figure out why i am usually at least a little sad, or emotional when i sit, and dwell on the events of it thus far, and how short my life has really been. i wonder how it would be not to have intrusive thoughts, of death, tragedy, and my mind not wanting to accept my sexuality for what it truly is. my fears, irrational, or not, of people, men, women, adults, and true isolation. i wonder how i would be if i never met who i have, only lived how i did eight or seven years ago. playing heavily censored games, having no outlets that brought me enjoyment. would i have had the strength to continue? i cannot sleep. i wish i could, but i woke up an hour ago with horribly sad thoughts, and thoughts that irked me. my mind obsesses over the concept of death, and no matter how hard i try, they will not go away. all i can hope for is to delay them. to delay that train of thought with music, videos, and conversation. there is not much conversation to behold at four in the morning, nor is there at most hours of my day, outside of this cyberspace. thank you for allowing me to write here, it is a blessing. this is lengthy, i know it is, but i needed to write this down. i am sorry it had to be here. i just,, dwell on how my life would be, if small things were different. small words, potent words, that were never said, and actions never done. how they would have affected me, or the lack there of, if they were never done. how would we all be, if our worst fears came into reality? or, better yet, are you alright with reality? it makes me terribly sad, as long as i look at the news, and read articles that are sickening. however, the stars, my friends, and academics keep my mind busy, any happy. they drive me out of the hole i usually sit in,,, so thank you. especially one person in particular, maybe two, now, for being there for me. i do not know who i would be,, without them, especially one who taught me how to be a better person. if you read this far, or do not want to scroll through this monologue, never be afraid to be yourself, or to ask for guidance. do not make the mistake of thinking you do not matter, or believing your feelings do not matter. they do.
- Published October 05, 2020, 04:31
- in The Swamp
- in Vents and or Rants
- is not continuable by others
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