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What was fun to watch is dull all over again. What was fun to read, strains my eyes. What is up with me, these past few hours of this day? i desire to mingle, to have a conversation and have fun with another human being. i really haven't had anything as such in what feels so long, though it has at most only been around twelve hours, which have stacked up onto other lonely hours spent bored and alone from other days. this break is not so much a break, but a reminder of how boring home is without my online friends. without the distraction of school. without fun content to watch, but now all of it, despite me usually liking it, isn't helping fill in my apathy towards such videos now. i want a conversation i can hold, one that is not forced. i want to have fun, and feel like i am getting to know someone. i want to play a game, and have fun doing it. not just reminded of how boring i myself am, and how alone i feel for that. fuck, i am such a needy individual! look at me, look at this disgraceful rant! i can't help myself. i just feel hollow, and empty. i am trying so hard, but it doesn't seem enough to fill the void. i took a one or two hour long nap, because i felt like shit after eating something, and now i feel better. i just wonder why i wanted to take a nap at all, and royally screw my sleep schedule more than i already have. i am sorry. i am listening to sad music, and venting on a website to strangers that probably don't care, and never will. sure, the sentiment they hold is often expressed, a simple thing most people feel towards others. but do they care...? why am i asking. it is pointless to keep asking for an answer i shall never receive. it is pointless. i know my friends love me, i love them too, but why do i feel so alone all over again? i am asking for too much attention. i think i am scaring them away, gods damn it. being too clingy, and waiting for too long for replies i probably won't get. trying to be hopeful, trying to hold conversations, trying to be likeable. i am just boring. almost everyone, but me, play games. i do not. i want to, but i never get to. just play some shitty free online pony game which reminds me of how lonely i am, and how boring my taste is! ugghghgh!! why are people friends with me...? all i ever have to talk about is my mundane life, my mommy issues, and my dumbass emotions! i am dull!! i am average at best in what i do. sure, i am proud of what i can do, but so many people can do it better than i ever could, include being a friend. i am an awful one. i am so selfish. i am sorry. sorry. i don't know why i am apologizing, i don't even feel it anymore. i just feel pathetic, as if i am groveling at someones feet, begging for attention, for someone to care enough to notice. it is so pathetic, that i am even ranting about this! i am not even alone, i am just being a sensitive flower. i do NOT need so much attention, i need to be stronger. by why does being strong hurt...? why does it hurt to feel alone, and to not be able to hold a fun conversation...? not able to have fun with friends. i am a sad person. i am sorry, and this time i mean it, you didn't have to waste your time reading this.
- Published February 18, 2020, 14:43
- in Kiddie Pool
- in Vents and or Rants
- is not continuable by others
- 5 Views
- Favourited times
