vemt.
i, am for all matters of the word, invisible at school. no one notices me, no one wants to talk to me, no one really cares. no one in my current classes, i mean. i no longer have any conversations with my friends, they are all in different classes. no shared classes at all...none. no one noticed when i cried in the centre of the gymnasium. no one ever walks up to me, or wants to hold a conversation with me. they lose interest, and wonder away to their friends. i know they don't care a damn about me. they wouldn't notice if i were gone. only a very sparse handful would notice. less than that would earnestly care. i just...exist, and do classwork. it is now a soulless endevour, school is. go home, and...go online. i feel,, alone. alone at home, and at school. online is my company, and even then sometimes people do not wish to talk with me. i feel so needy, but my feelings are true. i am sorry. so very very sorry for my weakness. i just feel so alone, and caged. i don't want forced and awkward conversations anymore, but...they are better than nothing at all, oh please stop the silence. i just wish i had more in common with my friends. i am so awkward. i have almost no shareable interests. i am...so strong headed! gosh!!! no, no why, no i'm not. but, am i?.. i just...i feel stupid, since i do not really game at all. almost all my friends game, and i usually don't have the faintest of clues of what they are talking about, and i feel like an idiot. all i have to talk about is my shitty home life. my closeted homosexuality. my emotions. my opinions. i am a boring person. so very very boring. i am so grateful for people who find interest in me... even online, i am mostly invisible. very few people notice me, and even lesser care to know more about me. i wrote these stupid vents so often, but i...don't have another outlet. i need to do my break homework, i need to practice. i want to read, roleplay, and talk, but...i can't force people. i just wanna be held and told things will be okay, not by my mother, but by a girlfriend that i can't have until i am eighteen. snuggle quietly, and braid her hair with candles burning. for her not to judge me harshly for being like this, being pathetic. a groveler who desires attention, affection and the likes. engagement, a conversation, or a presence i enjoy feeling. but i am...so afraid, no not that afraid of social interaction. i usually am just uncomfortable since i do not know people, or...well, just close proximity for a long time. i am just...the dork that likes to sit in the front of the class, and raise her hand most days. a flautist, a soloist since i am the only flute player in my band. an artist, a dork with large glasses that are a bit too big. flustered easily, and can almost never cry.
- Published February 16, 2020, 20:35
- in Kiddie Pool
- in Vents and or Rants
- is not continuable by others
- 20 Views
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