Would you want to be me?
Truly, sincerely, be everything that i am? be absolutely everything, every flaw and talent? live the life i do? live where i do, and how i do? talk or write like i do? think like i do, or act? Are you certain? i am a person who has trouble even thinking lewd things around people, and i get flustered. i get flustered by clothing models at stores. i am so very quiet about who i like and my personal issues, and i feel alone in my home sometimes despite my family being there. battling a fight against what my mother wants of me and what i myself wish to do and be. trying to ignore the things she has buried into my mind because they are incorrect, and a way into scaring me into doing what she wishes. i spend most of my days waiting for people to be online so i can talk to them because i do not really have the privilege of going over to someone's house to just hang out or talk, no phone of my own to privately text someone or have a call on. alone. no boys because boys are icky sex driven pigs!11111!!!1!1! (-my mom) trying to learn things on my own because my mother has intimidated me out of asking for help most of the time. she scares me terribly. she demands to know how i feel because she is entitled to that, since she birthed me. i need good grades or i lose my internet privileges. i get flushed in the face socially interacting with people, or thinking about the idea of having to explain to someone i am not straight, in person with actual words, because they have a crush on me. i am mortified when i think of telling an adult or the school counselor what i feel like at home and what i deal with. afraid to be told i was wrong, that i just need to grow up. told to just try harder. Be someone obsessed with birds, and feel insecure of being prideful of things. scared to be too prideful. scared of the outdoors. feel as though your mother's compliments are not genuine, and as though the things you do are not good enough. not realistic enough with drawings. be told that if i were to be an artist, i would go broke and have no chance because people only want realism. be so very high guarded yet so very trusting at the same time, high walls of foam. simply exist at school, being mostly ignored. gain a decent memory for some things, and suck at memorizing geography and other places. enjoy nature, and be afraid of change. shy, and socially awkward with a dash of social anxiety due to an upbringing in isolation. ...so very many other things.
- Published February 02, 2020, 17:23
- in Kiddie Pool
- in Vents and or Rants
- is not continuable by others
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