Thinking (+rant)
lately, i have been dwelling on thoughts about myself, and what could be wrong with me,,, mentally at least. along with how i think of myself, and others. why i think that way, and all of that stuff. i have moments where my brain feels different, while everything looks out of focus, the world looks new, and strange, despite me simultaneously knowing where i am, and why. those fits often change how i feel for the rest of the day. it is also when i work the best, or have the best drive to write. it is almost as if i look at things from a completely different stance? where i channel my emotions in a completely different way. i often feel it in new places, as well. things feeling too familiar, despite me not being there before. despite my terror of feeling lost. it is quite complicated. speaking of complicated feelings, i often tend to think negatively of my depth of character. i find myself to be lacking in depth, despite what i do to change it. i lose touch easily, and oftentimes feel distant from everybody i know. i obsess over my traits, good, and bad, personality wise. it is always quite strange. i strive to know everything about myself. i always hope to find out if i have any disorders, or if i am overthinking things. why people do not enjoy my presence at school. why i can only every seem to talk to teachers, more so than my classmates... why i feel such,,, complete and utter apprehension from expressing, or explaining anything about my sexuality. why i cringe when i see any sort of physical affection. i always overt my eyes, even if i strongly desire to partake in such activities? it feels shameful, internally, to look at it. even if it is just in a commercial. i always look away, or even leave the room. i am so fiercely shy of it. and almost unable to speak of it out loud. i cannot truly say the word "lesbian" outloud without being paranoid. it sucks. it is a struggle for me to say even ambiguous terms for 'girlfriend', because i have my family under the illusion that i am aro/ace. at least my sister. why am i so afraid of change? i despise it, yet enjoy it when it happens. i always take shifts rather roughly, even if they are beneficial. i am slow to change, but i always seem to adapt and cope. i just,,, avoid it. avoid it hard. i just,, wish i could find the bottom to all of this. i wish i knew, i wish i knew. i wish i knew so much. i wish i knew why i cannot cry, even when i want to.
- Published June 17, 2021, 23:14
- in Kiddie Pool
- in Artwork
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