shy.
i do not know if such a feeling as true,, and simple acknowledgement and acceptance has any true rival for me. being recognized, or when i truly resonate with something, makes me rather emotional. more emotional than i usually am, which borders on apathetic. seperated from my emotions. the resonance with who i am,, always astounds me, as i do not know myself. isn't that perplexing? that i struggle to cry when i need to, however when i hear music, or read something, i do so (or nearly do so). i wonder what it means? i wonder what it truly feels like to be accepted warmly for who i am. to say the least, i am not very open about it, especially in person. my vagueness here is a testiment to that. yet, i look onwards. i wonder what it would mean to me if someone i admired, truly looked up to, looked down upon me, and smiled, even if they knew the truth. knew what i truly wanted in the world. knew my deepest, most protected secrets and what i hold dear. many have parents like that. i do not. they are there, loving and all, but not close. i do not know how to describe it, other than,, that love is incredibly hard for me to feel. it is as if my soul rebels against feeling it. i usually just feel hollow. it only seems to acknowledge my love for others at the darkest moments, such as death (or paranoid constructions of it). to be, as i am, mentally obtuse and non obtrusive, yet ever longing for company. company that i am estranged to. estranged, but engaged with, like our star is with our planet. i watched as they drifted away, powerless. i have only myself to blame. have unto thee and thy mind,, tell me, what dost thou ponder about my brooding blunder?
- Published December 14, 2022, 22:44
- in Kiddie Pool
- in Vents and or Rants
- is not continuable by others
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