rant i wrote last night.
just dunno where to start, honestly. i feel my mother getting me a packet of i sense for my room was a subtle way to say it reeks, which may or may not be true- but still...- at least i got cake today? i dunno why i am all hyper at this hour, wanting to write away at hypersonic speeds. i got homework i had no motivation to do all day, so i will have to crunch through it tomorrow with coffee on hand. hopefully i will finish it in the morning so i do not have to worry about it at all, until of course Monday. i hate five day school weeks, if i must be honest. the weekends feel to short, and the online experience is just a mess. after being home for a long ass time, i think i even miss being a ghost at school. after all, my Spanish teacher seems more encouraging than my mom. my grades are not what they were going to the building. i miss it, since then i could go to the teachers, or even just raise my hand...being alone at home is fuelling my desire not to interact, but i also want it, in some confusing way. i miss being at school, with the hands on experience. i hate how my mother is forcing me to get a job this summer. i don't want to work yet. it is stupid, i should be glad to work, shouldn't i? be joyous to make my own money! but i am not. i just want another summer of care-free childhood. gosh, there i go, making myself tear up. i guess this is why i was all worked up. i am all frustrated with this situation. i do not wanna grow up yet, i am still just a kid. i don't wanna be pushed to be more than i am right now. FUCK!! i am gonna be taking freaking Driver's Ed. this summer, but where would i drive to? oh! be my mother's personal fucking cab service. and i would have no leg to stand on, since i would need the driving hours. i also cannot stand the creeping, self-conscious feelings i have about myself. i know i need to take better care of myself. perhaps i really am just a lazy, fat slob? no. just lazy, not fat yet. do i really like girls? how could i know? why am i even being open about something i perhaps may not be? why am i self-conscious of my bust size, and the amount of belly fat i have? why do i have fits of no motivation? why can i never have long hair, because it always gets all split up at the end? why am i so very ungrateful for my friends..? why do i get lonely so quickly, and why is my art quality slipping..? where is everything going? down the shitter. i hate that i am solely responsible for my work. i just,, miss the classroom, because then there is a teacher there. hands on., why do i feel shameful to be myself..? there is nothing wrong with it. i just,, don't know why i am how i am. turning into an ugly, calloused person who calls everyone a hoser, and cusses like a sailor. spending evenings fantasizing over having some fake lover. the worst thing..? i have no idea what i wanna do with my life come the future. no idea what i want to do for a career. i mean, i have some ideas, i just do not know if i am smart or strong enough to do them. sure, i do not want to scream my preferences out from the top of a building. i am disgusted with myself for how much i have brought it up. ashamed, even. it shouldn't be a large part of who i am. i am more than it, but am i...? i feel as though i am a boring person, though that is probably pessimism at its finest. i am just...so numb so very numb to current events. it did not really phase me when i heard about it.
- Published April 19, 2020, 09:42
- in Kiddie Pool
- in Vents and or Rants
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