god,
im really sorry for all my inactivity i know that i owe some people some things, and i'm really sorry for this delay. i dont intend to rip anyone off or anything. i know that i owe people art trades, promised gift art, and hell, even contest prizes. but i've barely gotten to any of that yet. like.. i even have this new project i began suddent just... out of the blue. i was so excited and everyone has been so supportive of it, but it's really been going nowhere. im questioning my confidence and ability as a leader, and how i'm going to make this work with me and my life being the way it is. i feel too immature. that said, i have not been avoiding this site for those reasons. i really love this site. i really do. i dont know what i'd do if i knew i would have been missing out on everything that i've been able to have and enjoy here. although this site can also be a burden for me for those very reasons, i don't believe that's reason for my inactivity. i have.. a really bad habit of procrastination and a very big lack of self confidence. i can't bring myself to do so many things because i tell myself "you'll do it later. focus on your shit right now. wow, you can't even do that? why can't you just do this? stop it. stop avoiding your problems, dipshit. you know, you can't take back some of those things now. just fucking get it over with already. just do it" and so on. recently, i've become extremely tired and unmotivated to do.. anything. and this has been evident in my schoolwork, too. i've become distracted and missed some assignments, i've been so scared and worried when i see my grade dip, and then it comes back up, but then it happens again and again, and i'm always living in the fear of this inconsistency, and there are many more things than just school grades that are inconsistent in my life. due to quarantine, my social skills and confidence have gone completely down the drain. the only way i can talk comfortably with anyone is online or with my family. i've been cooped up with these people for way too long... i've been cooped up with MYSELF for way too long. everything has been so confusing, and i've never had time to think about myself or what i've been trying to do or anything. i've been staying up late on school nights getting procrastinated homework done, stressing myself out on owed art while i do nothing about it, and i still make personal art where i have to promise and apologize so often saying "i'm sorry!! i haven't forgotten. this is just a motivation booster!! i promise i'll do it, im just not ready right now" i know that i'm probably never going to be ready for anything and i should just get it the fuck over with, but my lack of self confidence prevents me from doing that. god, why can't i just... be normal? i'm such a complicated person, i just want to get things done and live my life. i'm sorry. i feel like i've been nothing but a waste of time. i did this whole fucking donation thing for my project, one of my friends did free art for that, and i'm still sitting here like a bitch thinking whether i should even follow through with this, because i didnt prepare myself enough. i feel like i should commit more, but i dont know how. i don't think i can commit any further, i've done what i felt i can. but it's evidently not close to enough. so many things go on in my head, im sorry that you had to read through all this. my mind is so busy all the time, but it almost seems like the opposite in my actions. im just a lazy ass fuckign 13 y/o who can't make a fucking descision i feel like i'm in dept or something, because i have all this damn koin and i feel like giving up on it all. but people earned that, they bought that, and i can't let go because of it. i want to do this so bad, but i dont feel like i can, i feel like i literally owe this to myself and all those people. why am i like this
- Published February 20, 2021, 01:14
- in The Swamp
- in shitpost dump
- is not continuable by others
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