ugh
I just find relationships to be exhausting. I always have too. I've never been the one to initiate anything. When I call my friends, it's always them who ask first, even friends I've known for more than half a decade. To be honest I think I'm just a selfish person in general though when it comes to my time and money. Hanging out with people means I have to fit it in my schedule, which means I have to cut out shit I want to do by myself. And if it's IRL it's both that and spending money I don't want to spend. And I guess I'm narcissistic, but I don't really care for most people's opinions or interests. But honestly I think everyone is kinda like that. Most people only care about their takes and hobbies and stuff. But yeah anyway, I remember one time I was in 5th grade (Funnily enough around a year and a half before i joined toonator) and I was invited to my friends birthday party just a few houses down from mine, but I just didn't go. But I ended up being dragged out by my friends and my mom. And me and one of my friends ended up leaving because we didn't like that they started cursing (I was pretty prudish like that back then). After that was when we slowly dissociated from each other, especially when we started middle school. Speaking of which I remember another time in middle school. It was my last Halloween and I was with my new friend group and I don't remember my exact reason for going home early but I think it was because we were walking multiple neighborhoods away and I was uncomfortable. Side tangent, I'm a complete pussy btw. I'm not really ashamed of it even though I should be, but I'm not proud of it either. Not sure why I am either. Another thing that I've been my whole life. Like, I used to live right next to a church that I went to summer camp and after school camp for or whatever. But it was like a 5 minute walk if that. But I was afraid I'd get ran over. And i wasn't even alone because my brothers were there too. Oh yeah that reminds me of when I was in band in 8th grade, and the class trips to a big amusement park called Silverwood were announced. And my friend was desperately begging me to go but I hate Rollercoasters and lines and big trips. So that's another thing. Though in the end it didn't matter because the trip was planned for spring, 2020, and you know. Anyway, I don't even regret any of these decisions I made, I'm just listing them out to display the kind of person I am, if anyone is even reading this, or even cares. But yeah, the thing is that I struggle relating to people at all. I don't understand the people who post performative bullshit all day online. I don't understand people at all, and most certainly never will. Yesterday my coworker who I've barely talked to asked for my Instagram. Now, I barely know her as I've worked where I am for only 2 weeks, and Ive only seen her a few times, and the short conversations were very slim. So I gave it to her, but that's it. She doesn't message me or interact at all. So I don't see the point. I guess it's just to be in touch but again, we barely know each other. Basically. What im asking is, aren't you usually supposed to get to know someone before you get their socials? Idk. But it's confusing because I can't tell if she's into me or just wanting to friend coworkers. And she is cute, but i don't want to date. It's exhausting already to have friends. And I've never dated nor tried to, but in my mind I don't care about rejection. Because getting a girlfriend is the easiest part about a relationship. The hard part is maintaining it and fitting it in your life you know? It's stressful. I hate stress. I already have enough of it. I hate feeling like an alien. Not because I want to fit in. But because I'm forced to. I wish I got an overnight job. I hate this shit.
