lmao
wish my mom actually loved me instead of faking it. i can tell when you lie. i can tell when you tell me a sob story about your life just to use it against me. i can tell you're exactly like your own abusive mother, except you do fight for me, and then you use it against me. you tell me you had a mother who's house you felt like a stranger in, a mother who made you hate yourself. i do, too. i have a mother who invalidates my fears and makes me "face them" until im screaming and crying and begging for you to stop because im just "being overdramatic". im the one with the mother who sighed and rolled her eyes when i tried to kill myself. im the one with the mother who says i dont have an eating disorder, im just fat and faking it. im the one with the mother who says she understands what im going through and then completely invalidates everything i say. im the one with the mother who loses something and blames it on me. im the one with the mother who yells at me constantly. im the one with the mother who wont let me go anywhere and then tells me im lazy. there is not a single sidewalk, where the fuck can i go that isnt on a road?? im hard of hearing and terrified of cars BECAUSE OF YOU. how the hell CAN i go anywhere? and youve separated me from my friends to the point i cant ask them for a ride. I cant ask you for a ride either. i have no money to spend, and im not allowed to get a job because i have to "focus on school", but then i get yelled at for not having a job. i didnt think id make it to 16 because of you. youve caused me so much irreparable pain that i dont fucking believe in myself and am terrified of so much. i cant go outside, i cant eat, i cant work, i cant do the things i enjoy, i cant even fucking sleep. im constantly walking on fucking eggshells. now youve taken everything that makes me happy and it completely depends on my first report card whether ill get them back. your mother was bad? yes, she was. shes awful. but so is mine, yet you wont fucking see it. you wont admit any faults and im the one making you "tired and frustrated and worn thin". youre the one who made me try to kill myself multiple times. you literally put a lock on the pantry. i have a door, thank god, but it doesnt lock. i ask for new clothes, a sketchbook, things for lunch, and you say "yes well go get that" and you lied. i havent gotten new clothes since the beginning of 8th grade. im about to be a senior. you make me hate you, the people around me, and myself. im literally dependent on dissociating and sleeping to get away from you. im terrified of my own life. yes, you've never laid a hand on me, but that's just so i can't leave. youve whittled me to nothing, but IM the problem. you say "i dont make you feel like a burden. youre not a burden." and then blame every problem you and my step-father have on me. im 17. i feel like a child in a cage. im so dependent on you. i dont know where anything is, i cant go anywhere, i cant call anyone for help, i cant eat anything without asking you, my schoolwork is monitored, i cant buy anything, i have no income, nowhere to go, and no one i trust. what the fuck do i do? im a fucking rat in a cage and youre slowly pushing the walls in until im crushed. im hesitant and scared to call this abuse because "its not as bad" as what you went through with your mom. its not abuse because you love me. but do you? do you really? i dont know what this is, but is it abuse? i dont know. it cant be because youre nice to me. but then why do i write down everything you say and do to me so i make sure you cant gaslight my memory? i hate this place. i hate the only place ive ever known.
- Published June 09, 2022, 08:57
- in The Swamp
- in 𝟎𝟕 - 𝐕𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬
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