finally a vent i guess
Almost 16 here and still have no idea of what I want to do in the future, yknow I just wish there was an easy exit out of everything. Something that would just eradicate alll the pressure my peers all have their passions, some are athletes working for a scholarship, some are getting into top universities to study engineering, medicine, compute science... the list goes on and -, some are winning science fairs and getting invited as guests to national competitions I just feel like an absolute failure, one-sided ignorant dumbass trying to push through all my troubles with excuses.. Taking so many things for granted and procrastinating my precious life away like a spoiled brat. I'm a little good at everything but just don't have the persistence to chase down a passion. I feel so much guilt, so fucking much I'd do anything to stop thinking about myself or my family even for a second. I escape everyday through videogames and social media but th emoment I shift back into reality I just feel like I want to die, the dread of failing haunts me every second, every minute, every fucking day of my life. I never take risks and I hate HATE HATE myself for being like this. My parents put so much effort into raising me I just want to fucking unexist. So much money and will was spent on my education and life I don't think I'll ever have the guts to face them if I end up working a garbage job. I don't want them to think that i failed, I don't want them to see me working day to night, suffering. That would absolutely break their hearts. They are successful people, both of them went from poverty to middleclass working their asses off day and night, leaving their families at age 12 to boarding schools at a neighbouring city. hell.. Why can't I be like them Then there's my sister, she's the brightest and most talented kid I've met. But since my parents are getting old they no longer have the attention span to care for her the same way they cared for me. You feel me? I'm sure she would actually put all that effort from my parents (that i took for granted) to good use. And again, because she's a fucking girl my parents don't take her as seriously, I just want the best for her but that's never going to happen. it's all because of my idiot ass being born before her. I hate it, absolutely despise myself for ruining every goddamn opportunity she ever had i'm fucking losing it. I fear everything so much, from the biggest to the smallest problems, all of them, I'm supposed to grow up to be the man of my family yet I can't even initiate a proper conversation with someone. What is this a joke? I'm so fucking done with life Tmr I will be finalizing my decision for Grade 11 courses, I still have 0 idea what I want for myself. Data scientist? engineer? marine biologist? I just want a stable life with a good paying job so I can support a family of my own and take care of my parents as they get older, the last thing I want to do is to watch them die alone thinking that they had failed to raise their son. I'm so tired man fuck me. Im going to cry myself to sleep again, good night edit: thank you for the support guys I read everything :)
- Published May 31, 2021, 01:19
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- in z) Abyss (vents I guess)
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