I m a g e
Yooo this is edgy af but i just wrote out one thing that's been sitting in my head for months on end I have this image in my head. You know, one of those that seem like they may be a part of a dream you once had. One of those that are really vivid and bring you somewhere. At some time. Those that you see through your own eyes. They're often super dreamy, they smell sweet, or like grass, or like any of your favourite smells. You can almost hear and smell everything that scenery is pushing on you. And the image isn't even anything you'd remember. It's just... there. It sounds silly but it's basically what a memory is. Just a bit prettier, more majestic, you might say. I'm not sure if I can call my own death majestic, thought. But, from the beggining - let me explain, or at least try to. I see. I see my sheets lying over my almost lifeless body. A bit mangled, thrown around as if I was struggling a moment ago, or as if they were torn away from my body in a hurry not a long time ago. I see my room. It's probably 4 or 5 a.m. in summer. I can recognize the sky, the glimmer of my TV's red LED being smeared around in my blurry eyesight. The clock that seems to familiary tick, only very, very slowly. I see the walls caving in, i see my pale skin, the curtains, windows and flowers in front of them. I see my bloody wrist barely hanging on. I see my bloody sheets. I see. I see. I see. I hear. I hear the fridge from across the room. It's almost comforting, as if it was greeting me warmly, probably only because it's very recognizable. I hear the water droplets dropping into my sink every few, long moments. I hear some cars driving past my window and people talking somewhere near, even though I can't pinpoint where they actually are. I hear my heart pounding. Slower. Slower. And slower. I hear my blood slowly dripping down on the floor and sinking into my bed. I hear a horrible beeping noise. I think, i can even hear my last breaths. I smell. I smell my semi-clean bedsheets, and their familiarity. Afterall, this isn't a very special moment. Nothing new. I think I smell a bit of some metallic stuff. Maybe a bit of some smell of a slowly dying corpse. Is this how death smells like? It feels like it, to be honest. I smell less and less, and everything becomes more and more stale and heavy as it gets harder to breathe with every moment. It feels as if my lungs were sinking in, and my head is getting light. I think I try to gasp for air but I'm not even sure. I can feel. I can feel. I can feel too much. I can feel. I can feel my body The sheets on my body I can feel myself asphyxiate, I can feel the pain in my wrist, the numbing pain that is so agonising I forget about it. But i can feel my stomach sinking, my eyes struggling to stay open, i can feel myself drifting away. And I can feel regret mixed with fullfilment. Is this all i wanted? Is this everything there is? It feels odlly Good And better. It feels somewhat right. I can feel - feelings, and I can feel the thoughts but i can't identify them. I can't name them. I can't speak them. It's really everything there is. But it's just an image. It's not pretty. It's not majestic. It's just bland. It's just an everyday. It's just an image. Right?
- Published February 17, 2020, 16:07
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